C@$eYm@$hi

To our dear child:

On the day when you see us old, weak and weary…

Have patience and try to understand us…

If we get dirty when eating…

If we cannot dress on our own…

Please bear with us and remember the times we spent feeding you and dressing you up.

If, when we speak to you, we repeat the same things over and over again…do not interrupt us..listen to us.

When you were small, we had to read to you the same story a thousand and one times until you went to sleep.

When we do not want to have a shower, neither shame nor scold us…

Remember when we had to chase you with your thousand excuses to get you to the shower?

When you see our ignorance of new technologies…

Help us navigate our way through those worldwide webs.

We taught you how to do so many things…to eat the right foods, to dress appropriately, to fight for your rights…

When at some moments we lose the memory or the thread of our conversation…let us have the necessary time to remember…and if we cannot, do not become nervous…

as the most important thing is not our conversation but surely to be with you and to have you listening to us…

If ever we do not feel like eating, do not force us.

We know well when we need to and when not to eat.

When our tired legs give way and do not allow us to walk without a cane…

Lend us your hand…the same way we did when you tried your first faltering steps.

And when someday we say to you that we do not want to live anymore, that we want to die…

Do not get angry.Some day you will understand…

Try to understand that our age is not just lived but survived.

Some day you will realize that, despite our mistakes, we always wanted the best for you and we tried to prepare the way for you.

You must not feel sad, angry nor ashamed for having us near you.

Instead, try to understand us and help us like we did when you were young.

Help us to walk…

Help us to live the rest of our life with love and dignity.

We will pay you with a smile and by the immense love we have always had for you in our hearts.

We love you, child.

Mom and Dad

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孩子

快抓紧妈妈的手

去天堂的路太黑了

妈妈怕你碰了头

快抓紧妈妈的手

让妈妈陪你走

妈妈怕天堂的路太黑

我看不见你的手

自从倒塌的墙

把阳光夺走

我再也看不见

你柔情的眸

孩子

你走吧

前面的路

再也没有忧愁

没有读不完的课本

和爸爸的拳头

你要记住

我和爸爸的摸样

来生还要一起走

妈妈

别担忧

天堂的路有些挤

有很多同学朋友

我们说不哭

哪一个人的妈妈都是我们的妈妈

哪一个孩子都是妈妈的孩子

没有我的日子

你把爱给活的孩子吧

妈妈

你别哭

泪光照亮不了

我们的路

让我们自己

慢慢的走

妈妈

我会记住你和爸爸的模样

记住我们的约定

来生一起走

您离开也有将近八年了吧? 不知现在的您身在何处。我想您大概在某个极乐世界正与海南妈妈享福吧！您那似乎熟悉且陌生的面容和身影，此时依稀逗留在我脑海里。犹记得幼时的我好爱哭，亲戚以及曾看顾我的前辈亦这么说。不知是否他们夸张了些，每当提起幼时的我，他们总会滔滔不绝地叙述我是如何哭翻了天。我想上帝在创造我时搞不成是一时疏忽多赐予我过敏的眼泪腺，所以才导致如此般爱哭的我吧！妈咪对我说，所有曾照顾我的亲戚朋友都被我的‘哭功’ 给吓跑了，而您和海南妈妈则看在金钱的份上愿意容忍和照顾爱哭的我。海南妈妈对我说，虽然如此，但在五个女儿当中您切最疼爱我, 最不舍得让我离开回到爹地和妈咪的怀里。我想大概是吧！要不您也不会每当我‘发功’ 时总是第一个过来哄我，然而妈妈则总是在她所属的麻将台忙于‘筑梦想’ 。往日幼时的我总是以流利的海南语与您和妈妈喋喋不休地交谈着，如今我切连一句简单的海南语也说不出来。以往修来的‘正果’ ，如今切落得如此，真是‘呜乎哀哉’！

自从您离开后，虽然我还是在每一年的农历新年风雨不改地往您老家跑，但是我切总是遗忘了探访那棵曾经陪伴我成长的红毛榴连树。说到这，隐隐约约地，我仿佛闻到一股红毛榴连的香味，真是不禁让我垂涎欲滴，哈…曾经，我与您的外孙们老爱绕着它嬉戏、采果子，简直把它当成了我们的欢乐天堂。小时多自在啊！几乎任何事物都可以让咱们这些不知天高地厚的孩童玩个不意乐乎，几乎闹翻了天！

天地万物真是变化无常,妈妈的离去也真是太突然了。那年秋季探访她时还与她有说有笑的，瞧她除了脚疼导致她步行缓慢以外，其他的并无大碍, 但又有谁料到短短几个月后切传来她逝世的消息。我好遗憾！为何我总是在您俩逝世后几天才收到噩讯，而凑巧的是我都无法出席您俩的葬礼，没机会陪伴你们度过人生最后的一段旅程。您离开时，我大既还是个初中三的女生吧? 事到如今，我还是不理解当初的我知道您离去后，为何会表现地如此淡定, 甚至于没掉下一滴泪水? 是当时的我太无情了，还是我理解到离去对当时百病缠身的您而言何尝不是一种解脱? 我，无言以对。

如今路过以往陪伴您和妈妈终老的老房子，我已不再闻到那股熟悉的鸭屎味，亦不可能再盼到您或妈妈笑脸迎迎地从宅里走出来迎接我。老房子健在，鸭寮和红毛榴连树依然健在，无奈主人已不再，人事已非，恰恰如古语所言‘去年今日此门中,人面桃花相映红.人面不知何处去, 桃花依旧笑春风’ 。

我仅仅希望在我有生之年，这篇文章得以记载我模糊记忆里所拥有您的一席之位。倘若时光可以倒流, 我多渴望能化为幼时的我, 我们小手拉大手，一起漫步在乡间的黄泥路上。此刻，我的脑海里顿时浮现一幅画面，是一位老人与小孩互相牵手沿着黄泥路走向夕阳的画面。那情景，是多么地温馨和优美！爸，下辈子，我们可否还会重逢呢? 愿您一路走好…

I’ve received an email from the San Francisco Ballet (a ballet school which Yuan Yuan Tan obtains her ballet education), saying that ‘You’re never too old to enjoy dance! If you have always wanted to take ballet lessons, then why not give it a try?’. I was quite surprise as i read that, as i never thought that I’ll still have the chance to learn ballet in the age of 22, quite an old age for a ballerina to start learning it.

I’m interested in ballet since young, since the age of 8. ‘Why ballet but not other dance?’ ,I was asked quite some time ago.I could not answer the question. I admire ballet, for no reason. I wanted to learn ballet so much, besides drawing and painting. However, I have had the opportunity to achieve the latter but not the former. I’m proud of the talent and skills that I’ve achieved after 9 years of ’struggle’ (well..it should not be considered as ’struggle’ though, as I was enjoying my own world while painting, as if there’s no one else around me, as if the world is mine) in drawing and painting classes, without bothering that deep inside my heart, I’m regret for not having any knowledge in ballet.

You just can’t imagine how graceful and amazing Yuan Yuan Tan is in her ballet dancing without watching her video clip. In fact, I was impressed by her dance, having my eyes focused on her beauty, not only the beauty of her look, but also the beauty of her dance. Somehow, she’s such amazing by having her look emerges with her dance, a perfect ballerina i would say.She deserves for the titles that’s given to her; She deserves for being the pricipal dancer of one of the three leading ballet schools in US,  San Francisco Ballet; She deserves for being the first Chinese ballerina that shines the stage in US; She deserves for her beauty and everthing.

I’m really lost after seeing how successful Yuan Yuan is. I’m lost in the middle of the junctions, without knowing which path shall I follow, without knowing which of them will lead me to the destination that I want to. I wish that my life turns out to be the most interesting and different one, certainly. I have so many interests and expectations in my life. I definitely do not wish to see my dreams remain as just ‘dreams’ in the rest of my life. I hope to be extraordinary with the interests and talent that I have: baking, drawing, painting and off course, ballet, but sad thing is - Architecture is not included at the moment.Perhaps Architecture may reward me with the wealth I wish for one day, but I would never enjoy the career, i guess. Architecture is interesting in a way but I’m not born for it, I insist. However, I’ve started the journey long ago, I have to keep going no matter how, as to be responsible to myself and my family who put great expectation on me.I’m indecisive. I thought I was independent, but I was wrong. I’m really undetermined without my parents by my side.

There are many things waiting to be done, yet I have not started any of them. I’m trying to run away from my responsibilities sometimes, by sleeping or doing nonsense. I’m not a loser, I want to get things done as quickly and as excellent as possible. However, I’m often failed in doing so, as I’m too desperate to have every single thing perfectly done in a limited period.I was told to change few years ago, by my beloved and respected art tutor, and that was when the book - Who Moved My Cheese? recommended to me, but my attitude remains even after reading the book for several times.I’m just too stubborn to change. I do admit that I’m a terrible perfectionist, a perfectionist that always fail to get things done perfectly even though I do not wish to..

I need to keep going and get things started somehow, although I’m afraid and diffident. Well GOD if u ever heard my prayer, please give me the strength to do so, for the sake of my beloved ones..

C@$ey