Dilemma..
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006I’ve received an email from the San Francisco Ballet (a ballet school which Yuan Yuan Tan obtains her ballet education), saying that ‘You’re never too old to enjoy dance! If you have always wanted to take ballet lessons, then why not give it a try?’. I was quite surprise as i read that, as i never thought that I’ll still have the chance to learn ballet in the age of 22, quite an old age for a ballerina to start learning it.
I’m interested in ballet since young, since the age of 8. ‘Why ballet but not other dance?’ ,I was asked quite some time ago.I could not answer the question. I admire ballet, for no reason. I wanted to learn ballet so much, besides drawing and painting. However, I have had the opportunity to achieve the latter but not the former. I’m proud of the talent and skills that I’ve achieved after 9 years of ’struggle’ (well..it should not be considered as ’struggle’ though, as I was enjoying my own world while painting, as if there’s no one else around me, as if the world is mine) in drawing and painting classes, without bothering that deep inside my heart, I’m regret for not having any knowledge in ballet.
You just can’t imagine how graceful and amazing Yuan Yuan Tan is in her ballet dancing without watching her video clip. In fact, I was impressed by her dance, having my eyes focused on her beauty, not only the beauty of her look, but also the beauty of her dance. Somehow, she’s such amazing by having her look emerges with her dance, a perfect ballerina i would say.She deserves for the titles that’s given to her; She deserves for being the pricipal dancer of one of the three leading ballet schools in US, San Francisco Ballet; She deserves for being the first Chinese ballerina that shines the stage in US; She deserves for her beauty and everthing.
I’m really lost after seeing how successful Yuan Yuan is. I’m lost in the middle of the junctions, without knowing which path shall I follow, without knowing which of them will lead me to the destination that I want to. I wish that my life turns out to be the most interesting and different one, certainly. I have so many interests and expectations in my life. I definitely do not wish to see my dreams remain as just ‘dreams’ in the rest of my life. I hope to be extraordinary with the interests and talent that I have: baking, drawing, painting and off course, ballet, but sad thing is - Architecture is not included at the moment.Perhaps Architecture may reward me with the wealth I wish for one day, but I would never enjoy the career, i guess. Architecture is interesting in a way but I’m not born for it, I insist. However, I’ve started the journey long ago, I have to keep going no matter how, as to be responsible to myself and my family who put great expectation on me.I’m indecisive. I thought I was independent, but I was wrong. I’m really undetermined without my parents by my side.
There are many things waiting to be done, yet I have not started any of them. I’m trying to run away from my responsibilities sometimes, by sleeping or doing nonsense. I’m not a loser, I want to get things done as quickly and as excellent as possible. However, I’m often failed in doing so, as I’m too desperate to have every single thing perfectly done in a limited period.I was told to change few years ago, by my beloved and respected art tutor, and that was when the book - Who Moved My Cheese? recommended to me, but my attitude remains even after reading the book for several times.I’m just too stubborn to change. I do admit that I’m a terrible perfectionist, a perfectionist that always fail to get things done perfectly even though I do not wish to..
I need to keep going and get things started somehow, although I’m afraid and diffident. Well GOD if u ever heard my prayer, please give me the strength to do so, for the sake of my beloved ones..
